Hazy Post

It feels like a I've come here in a new life :-)
But definitely feels good to get back here. I dont know how many people visit my blog, or even if anybody at all visit it..but for me..this is a place of solace, comfort, peace and sometimes even bliss :-)

Below are few lines that I'd jotted in the middle of a busy meeting ;-) Then after re-reading them in solitude, decided to dedicate them to someone who I thought matters a lot to me!! But then again, a few things that have happened (or I might have imagined them to have happened), have helped me change my outlook towards life. I realized that there have been too many instance where I'd forgotten myself and lived for others. I must thank people for continuously reminding of my own existence and teaching me how to balance my emotions. Anyways, too much crap...will update about all the crappy things that I've been going through lately in my next post..which I'm hoping to come out some time this weekend. But for now, even if you dont like my writings, just read and try to enjoy my thoughts.

Promise

I may not promise you wealth and riches

I may not promise you jewels in diamonds

I may not promise the moon and stars

I may not promise the easiest journey of life

But

I can pledge my heart to you

I can put my life forth you

I can promise a voyage of smiles

I can promise a life of bliss

And

All the Happyness in world will be at your feet

All the love in the universe only for you

Your world is full of admirers

You are the only world I have

P.S. The above lines are NOT dedicated to anybody. People feeling bad, sad or anything like may just go and F*** themselves.

Anonymous Post (Can't think of a Name....)

The six years’ conscious journey of my life has shown me a very real, pragmatic and nothing-dreamlike picture of life. It has taught me to respect things that (earlier) I never considered important enough even to think about. It’s helped me to realize the intent of people while being associated with them. To learn about ridiculous things and not to show any expression on the face. I have also adapted myself to the multi-faceted people and their sick personalities. These years have helped me become strong as an individual, in the truest sense of the word. I have not only evolved as a person but also as a daughter, as a sister and as a friend. My outlook towards life has totally changed. Now I have learned to prioritize my work, my chores, and also people in my life. It has taught me how not to think about the silly issues and leave unimportant people out of daily activities, where to draw a line, how far to let a person into my life, whom to let in and why, et al.

When the person whom I considered most important in my life had hurt me, strangely, I never felt anything, or rather he was not as important as I really thought he was! I cried myself to sleep for some days but even then it was not because of losing him, more because of trusting and getting hurt by a person who’s just not worth all the resources I’d spent on him. I was more baffled by the thought making a mistake than even thinking about the so called “loss” of him! I decided never to forgive people for their deeds and definitely not if they’ve hurt me. I told myself to prove everybody wrong. Cursed people whom I’d never even imagined to speak in a raised voice.

I was intrigued by the demonic sides of the most humble people. Their acts ashamed me of being associated with them even in the remotest of threads.
A friend of mine had recently said the following words, and they just kept echoing my ears, as they are so true and so cool :-)

"Life is like Pool Table, Full of Colors, but all Fucking Balls" :-()

Disaster

When young
Did I ever run on the sidewalks,
Playing the game
Of avoiding cracks?Or, much later,
Straddle hairlines mentally
And strut vicarious tightropes,
Dreading, yet perversely courting,
Disaster from a fall?

'Disaster" did I say?
An aberrant word!
For there are other falls and penalties
Not wholly catastrophic,
But cushioned by largesse
Of joy and glory,
Falling in love is one.

Yet wisdom cautions:
A fall is a fall
With aftermaths of hurt and pain
Only delayed, not circumvented.
Tish, tosh!!!
Away with wisdom!
Hooray for crazy paving, tightropes, hairlines!!
Right now who's wise, or wants to be?
Not I.
Do you????


Thoughts need not necessarily relate to the current phase of life. Everything cant be right always. Times change, people change, situations change, lives change; but some moments, some memories, some people some thoughts, some feelings......always remain the same. These things never seem to loose their essence, rather their intensity keeps multiplying (not necessarily in a positive direction) with each passing day.

The above stanza represents the feelings of a novice, in love.
The below paragraph talks about the experienced soul, hurt in love.

Effortless Pleasures

Small things that give the extreme level of peace and satisfaction….

Not in any particular order….

Will be updating as and when more experiences provide the same feeling .

• Chilled water to drink in hot scorching sun.
• Hugging your loved ones after 3 months.
• Catching your best friend cheating on her boyfriend ;-)
• The last exam.
  
• Your name not listed under the head “failed candidates.”
• Managing to get a seat in the crowded local train.
• Crashing for 15 hrs like a baby.
• Feeling the clean room at least once in a year.
• Eating from mamma's hand after a lifetime.
• Dada buying you an icecream after ages.
  

And the best of all

• Getting to pee after an 8 hr long wait. Period.

........................................

Not enjoyment and not sorrow,

Is destined end or way,

But to act that each tomorrow,

Finds us furthur than today........

This day...That year...

Looking back and collecting the peices here and there...just torturing myself!
An extract (again), from Archie's diary.....wish I could go back in time and re-live these moments, if only I could do that.....things will be so much different.
*Sigh* ...well, nothing can be undone now....so let me just go ahead and make sure that this does not happen again.

Last 2 weeks of my life---i'm not able to understand....how shud I interpret them?Idunno if I shud call them good or bad, happy or sad??I started my last week with a disaster-something which I never wanted to happen happened..
I cried whole monday-day n night!That evening I expected my friends to call me n wish me.But to my great disappointment none of them called.It was more surprising than shocking coz ppl who called me 'everyday' also forgot
to call me on that day--oh, actually I was going to start my first job on tuesday.Then I told myself-good or bad,big or smallmay whatever happen I'm not going to cry...but i cudn't stand by my decision-the moment I saw myself in the mirror tears rolled down my cheeks n I made no effort to stop them.
Then I went to my workplace n I forgot everything.Seriously, I forgot EVERYTHING! Nothing came to my mind, I was
totally absorbed by that place.Oh my workplace its so damn wonderful-I didn't remember anything when I was in the training session.But once they announced the break-everything came back n that was scary, very very scary-I dreaded every moment of the break.I never wanted breaks b'coz they are bad n they make me sad,they keep reminding me of the things which i want to forget.Then after 4 days I realised that I'll never be able to forget anything.I'll carry every moment of it with me forever-or till I......
On friday...while I was on my to home,in traffic I saw the faces of the pl-happy, sad, irritated, tensed,......n many more expressions-actually all the possible xpressionz.Then I looked at my own face in the rear mirror n I found it BLANK.There was no xpression on it.
I was so confused that i didn't know what to feel.I didn't know if I was supposed to be happy for the successful completion of two weeks at the office, or be sad for what I'd lost or whatever in general....i didn't knew what to feel!!
I'm trying to get over it.I knowit will never go away from me...but I guess I've succeeded in accepting it.Now after 2 weeks I'm able to laugh effortlessly coz nothing means anything to me anymore.I've been faking every moment of these 2 weeks-at home, at workplace, everywhere.I'm trying to console myself..from last tuesday-3rd of May, and till today I haven't seen my face in the mirror---I've seriously gone mad.Just dont feel like it.I've gone crazy,totally crazy.This is reminding me of.......
In the class someone told me that I'm looking good-and to my surprise I pulled my hair back n clipped them and also wore my glasses-where many ppl told me that I look like an aunty if I wear glasses!!! Later I was surprised no actually shocked at my own behavior.I'm doing so many weird things that.....life is sucks,it is actually scaring the hell out of me......I'm sure that someday I'll seriously go mad......

P.S.hey do come to visit me when I'm in the asylum, okay! I may not recognise u, but still...n dont forget to get choclates and icecreams....i'm sure i'll definitely recognise them.

I'm not sure

This is not the way that Archie wanted to blog bout this thing...but sometimes we jus cant helpthings..right!!!!

Okay..Why do ppl get into relationships??-To run away from their problems,to find solace in someone else's or say to fall in love wid some other persons problems.

But whenever you are ending a relatioship....remember onething..."that" may not be ur first love,may not be ur great love,but "that" idefinitely isn't ur LAST love.
Begining of love is always wonderful..so keep falling in love again and again-not wid different ppl..try to fall in love wid the same person.Everytime u see them try to explore a virgin corner of theirs-as they say..there are infinite corners in ahuman heart&one life is not suficient enuf to to into all of them-but we can always keep trying right.Fall in love wid someone's smile,their attitude,their looks,........everything.Try to know the person-dont start analysing t5hem the moment u've seen them.If u really like them,then break their personality inty lots of small pieces-create a matrix n go thru each compartment thoroughly..seriously..u r gonna love it.Passionately explore the nu sides of ur love-feel their touch,feel their breath...do it differently, everytime try to be new urself,try to show them ur own unturned side-good or bad,let them know it..but in a very subtle way.Never try to force urself on them,dont compare ur love to someone else's or with ur own imaginations and expectations.Know them and also let them know bout ur own likes n dislikes..and trust Archie the very next time u see the person again-you will find all ur imaginations,likes,expectations....everything in a carnal form-right in front of u.COZ....people do anything in love.

When u r truly in love,u jus cant discard 'that' person off ur life.They will grow inside us like a malignant tumour-the more u try to disturb it,the more it will spread inside u.But then when we seriously love someone..we can never dispense them from our lives...they'll be wid us forever.

CONTRADICTION.
Well onething that Archie has learnt is that-when a relationship gets onesided the best thing to do is 'let it go',coz in the end it just doesn't matter anymore.All ur left with are those sweet memories n bitter experiences.

P.S.But can we really let go of our emotions?

Date with Disaster

An extract from Archie's diary. Dated 22nd April, 2005.

I've just realised that its 22nd-exactly a month from my b'day.And in this one month i.e.,the the first month of my personal nu year----wat I done???Answer-NOTHING PRODUCTIVE!!!

Ok..it was may,2000,i went out for the first time wid my friends (Pri,Aki,Divi,Rads n Purni).We went to Birla mandir,
science museum n planetorium.There we met a tourist group from bombay..who were an organisation for mentally n
phycally challenged ppl.There were so many kids-all below thw age of 13,we started talking to them n playing wid them......then i saw a face-i can never forget it...it was the most beautiful face i've ever seen.She was breathtakingly b'ful.We went to her...she was 27 wid a very decent figure and an awesome face-also a 'quadriplegic'
,one who cant move their body...n she cud move only her head.She was sitting on a wheel chair n wen someone called her she asked me to help her turn her wheelchair..n that once again reminded me that Head wes the only part which she cud move...........

Her name was Veera..we spoke to her n made friends...n that continued..i kept writing to her every week from then n she always replied my letters.Rarely I called her..but mails were very regular.Now its almost a month that I haven't heard from her..n I was worried..so I decided to give her a call...n i did.The most shocking news of my life--she died on 28th of last month n nobody bothered to inform me...everybody in that organisation knew bout our friendship!!!!!!!
I seriously don't know wat to do or how to react.I'm jus not able to pull myself together and i dunno wat to call it...i'm jus not able to CRY.I feel like crying,but tears aren't........

Today mornig wen i went out to make a call.....i happen to meet an old friend of mine n he gave me a Temtations choclate bar.Then wen I was bout to take leave of him...I saw 3 street kids rushing towareds me for the choclate.There was such a pathetic expression on their innocent faces, no trace of foul...just one expression-lust for the choclate-yeah LUST.When I gave it to them..they looked as if they've won some million dollar lottery.Their faces
showed pure happiness-absolut happiness.

Now in the auto I was not able to think bout anything.Those kids n their cute,little,dirt smirked faces..........they are not leaving me.I don't remember when but once I read an abridged version of Mother Teresa n her works and I was very inspired,but soon i forgot all that n indulged myself into the "extra-curricular" activities of life.But today i'm just not able to help it..all those thoughts are coming back.....

Whatever----Mother Teresa is great.Hats off to her.
Evert month i spend a lot of money (a 4 digit figure) on choclates n lipsticks,but today i've decided (n i'm going to stick to this decision of mine) that i shall cutdown wasting money on these mundane things n save something n donate it.Well my effort may be just a drop in the ocean--but thats what oceans are made up of-DROPS.

Veera i'm going to miss u a lot..i just cant explain...how much i care for u.Today as always u've again helped me-to change my outlook towards life.

Overloaded Me...

Today i've seen a show on Discovery about POLLUTION.It made me think bout many things that i've never bothered to
think bout.The show said "we're moving the way the civilization shud-towards less waste,less opulence,alot less greed,and a less ma-
terialisticstandard of living which wud bea good thing for all of us."
But is it really true????
We've lived here so long wid the notion that expansion is good,that bigger is better and more is mightier,that people are brain washed
into believing it's true!!So we worship Gross National Product and Full Employment,overlooking the fact that both are suffocating and
poisoning us.in what was once The Beautiful Earth we've created an ugly, filthy concrete waste land belching ashes and acids into what
used to be clean air,all the while destroying natural life-human,animal and vegetable.We've turned sparkling rivers into stinking sewers,
glorious lakes into garbage dumps:now along wid the rest of the world we're fouling the seas wid the chemicals and oil.All of it happens
a little at a time.Then,wen the spoilage is pointed out there are kind of people pleading for 'moderation'b'cz they say,This
time around we wont kill many fish,'or We wont poison much vegetation,' or We'll only destroy a little more
beauty.'Well all of have seen it happen too long n too often to believe that canard anymore.

So what do we do now??
Lets dedicate ourselves to save something of whats left.Because I think there are things in this world more important than GNP and 'full
employment',and one them is preserving some cleanliness and beauty ,plus holding abck a share of natural resources for generation not
yet born.instead of squandering everything here and now.

But the mistake here I make is stomping on every opinion that's different from mine and sat myself up as God,Jesus,Buddha,Mohammed
,rolled up into one.May be i'm ignoring the practicalities and damn rest of you while i have my own way like a spoiled kid.

Now the reason for writing this blog.......last week i saw an accident.It happened in front of my eyes-a guy was hit by a MCH truck
and he was spot dead.Irony Iknew this guy!!!He's only 23 n a resident docter at Geetha nursing home near my place.I've
seen him many times and spoke to him also-but at the time of acident i dint knew that it was him.

Next day i saw the news paper and it said that the guy died b'coz he was not ble to see the truck ahead of him due the smoke emitted
from that vehicle.......n it also repoted bout some other cases of accidents which ocured due to pollution.

Cant this be curbed?Will be able preserve the natural beauty of our habitat (EARTH) for our future generations,or do we have to show
take them to museums to show.........

Wishes, Dreams, Aspirations, Hopes, Desires.................

Mind Bogglers

Is there even a single soul on this earth, who doesn't have dreams?
How many people actually do, what they really feel like?
How many of us work towards realizing our dreams?
How often do we enter into a conflict with God?
How seldom do we criticize our ownselves?
How many times have we tried to analyze our doings?

Our Thoughts (So Blue)

"If only I hadn't done that.................."
"Why the hell do I have to do that?"
"Why cant I get second chance?"
"What have done to deserve this?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..... and so on.....and on....and on........to eternity!!!


Other's Opinions (Mocking)

"You know, you had been a fool! How could you make such a stupid decision?"
"I dont understand, what has gotten into you?"
"There is only one person for me in this world, and that person is not you."
By God sweetheart, how on the earth have you interpreted that? Have I ever made you feel like that?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.........and on....till they suck the last breath out of us!!



Well, all said and done now lets get to some talk about what Archie wants to do.
Archie has made list of things that she wants to do before she ceases to exist!!!!

They are not in any particular order or preference, and these are just some of those which top the charts......

• Own an Aston Martin or BMW M6
• 
  
• Visit France, Italy and Greece
• 
  
• Build a villa for myself – my empire
• 
  
• Fill a room with lovely soft toys
• 
  
• Direct a movie / documentary
• 
  
• Take my parents on a world tour
• 
  
• Say the right thing to the right person at the right time
• 
  
• Own a Pub / Disco / Restaurant
• 
  
• Settle down in Hyderabad
• 
  
• Fall in LOVE (hope this one comes true)

Now, dont you think they are pretty realistic and can actually be realized IF the sufficient amount of effort goes into it.

The gaps between the above lines signify something. One who can actually interpret the meaning, would be someone who truely KNOWS Archie.

Haphazard notions - Noise of an unstable mind...

I wonder if you hear my prayer
I know I’m not worthy, but I need your help….

Share a bit of moon with me…

I hear nothing. Nothing…not a sound on the city’s streets…
Just a beat of my own heart…I hear only that…

Cheap books and legally addictive stimulants
And then I realize, for 67 bucks, we get not just coffee but a total sense of self…...:P

I’m a lone read, standing tall waving boldly in the corrupt sands of commerce…

Sometimes I wonder about my life, I lead a small life, valuable but small.
Do I do it because I like it? Or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see around reminds of what I read in a book when, shouldn’t it be the other way around?
Well, I don’t want an answer, I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void!

We have our own moments of glory and this was mine.

I want her to make me some hot chocolate and tell me that everything that’s going so bad in my life would set itself alright….I am missing her a lot today, as I need some advice from her.

I always take my relationships to the next level, then I take them to the level after it…..and I do it until it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave;) (Wish I could actually do that!)

Dream that’s the thing to do, when you feel blue.

How well I’ve dared to imagine a different life, well it doesn’t really feel that way, but I sure tell myself that I’m rather marching into the unknown armed with, well, nothing!!

Love is full of dreams, life is never as it seems.

There was somebody with me, who knew exactly what he wanted, and I found myself wishing if only I was as lucky as he.

People are always saying that change is a good thing, but all they saying is that something you didn’t wanted to happen has happened. I realized I was going to loose something very dear in about a weeks time, soon it will just be a memory. At some point of life I might even think foolishly that it was a tribute to my life. I might say that it’s alright, and change is inevitable, but the truth is I am heart broken. I feel as if a part of me has died and Aj has died all over again and no one can ever make it right.

I am closing myself after 23 years and I’ve loved being a part everything that has happened to me.

The Void!!!

They were two parallel rails

Traveling across the earth

Not knowing when they’d actually meet

Then someday, someone bridged their gap

Suddenly, they now had a standard

To meet and learn each other

They sustained bridging their gap

Building a structure more like a ladder

They plan going up and up through the ladder

Until one day, they realized

There’s no way where they can actually intersect

Dilemmas, anxiety, desperation over took them

Looking back, they become conscious

Of their lost conduit

No way to go back

All they could do was to advance

And they did

They had let their journey persist

Without turning their faces sideways

There was no gap anymore. Period.

All they have between them now, is and will be

VOID - an unspoken emptiness!!